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CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER | CARESS OF THE VAMPIRE | CARESS OF THE VAMPIRE 2: TEENAGE GHOUL GIRL A GO-GO | CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT | COUNTESS DRACULA

CAPTAIN KRONOS: VAMPIRE HUNTER

a.k.a. KRONOS

- *** 1/2 -

1972/91m.

D: Brian Clemens

Horst Janson, John Carson, Caroline Munro, Shane Briant, John Cater, Lois Diane, Ian Hendry


Two teenage girls are in the woods combing their hair and chit-chatting about life.  One leaves to find a flower for her friend’s hair.  When she returns, her young friend is suddenly very elderly, with a stain of blood on her lip.  She dies, adding to the crop of similar bizarre cases in rural England.

A captain-coated man on horseback rides along a stagecoach trail with his hump-backed assistance near, riding their supply cart.  The captain stops to ask a lady in stockades why she is being punished.  “For dancing on a Sunday,” she answers, and when he sets her free, she becomes part of his trope.

The town doctor has dispatched for Kronos, a Captain in the imperial guard, to help rid the town of a very different sort of vampirism.  Horst Janson is perfectly cast as Kronos, who of course has a fling (lucky for us, too) with the girl he freed, the exceptionally beautiful Caroline Munro, later of Bond-girl fame.  Along with our brief affair, we are treated with marvelous black humor, cool takes on vampire lore, swift and action-packed swordfights, palace intrigue, bribery, bullies, and even an evolving, twisted plot.

Clemens' direction uses point-of-view shifting effectively, especially in the strangely comical scene where Kronos and his sidekick must try a few methods to kill the town doctor. The scene is classic, and so is this film, which had a cult following for many years. Too bad it didn't save Hammer Studios from bankruptcy.

Recently released on DVD.

CARESS OF THE VAMPIRE

- * -

1997 / 85m

D: Frank Terranova

Paulina Monet, Jessica English, Darien Price


Lovely lesbian vampresses lick and caress each other in a suburban upstairs bedroom when a fine, extra busty neighbor moves in down the street. One of the lesbo vamps becomes her friend and struggles whether she should transform her new neighbor.

Meanwhile, two cops investigate the death of two creeps who tried to intimidate our leading vamp. No real plot to speak of. Really just a showcase for soft-core lesbo action, which is its only (plentiful) asset. If you want a vampire film, the above rating applies. If you want said soft-core lesbo fun, add another 1/2 star. If it didn't have tits, I wouldn't have even given it a rating.

Tag: "."

CARESS OF THE VAMPIRE 2: TEENAGE GHOUL GIRL A GO-GO

- -

1997/85m

D: The People of the Severed Lips Recordings

Ruby Honeycat, William Hellfire, Mikey Ovum, Matt Icklan


If you had $14 and a crappy camcorder, you, too, could make this movie!

CHILDREN OF THE NIGHT


COUNTESS DRACULA

- * 1/3 -

1970 / 93m.

D: Peter Sasdy

Ingrid Pitt, Nigel Green, Sandor Elès, Maurice Denham, Lesley-Anne Down, Patience Collier


Over-dramatized version of the Elizabeth Bathory story, more Hollywood than history.

Countess Bathory was eventually convicted by civil authorities of killing over 600 virgins so their blood could be used for her bath water (her name being merely coincidental).  This was a fountain of youth, she believed, to make her skin look younger.

Our cinematic version changes her skin instantly from rawhide to velum, and her hair from grey to blonde.  The body count is too low, and although many clever plot devices and characters are used, the story and climax are unconvincing.

Great costumes abound, but it’s not enough to free this one from hovering over the toilet bowl.